Unconditional Love

It all started with a beautiful morning. The sun shinning brightly through the muffled clouds; the orange trees laced with sunlight, the birds chirping a humble tone, the air heavy but gentle at the same time and the wind politely crashed onto my face like a wave out of the ocean.  It was a Friday and my 970th day at the foster home.

 Why I was there is probably what you’re thinking, right? Or why am I using past tense? Am I dead? Or am I about to die? Or did I write this manuscript and then I died? Or am I still alive? You will sooner or later find out. Either one. So the foster home was it? Well I was not like all the others. I was kind of unique, or different or exceptional or special or anything else which you think is the opposite of normal. Stuttering is a speaking disorder which isn’t a big deal for some people but for me it was. You see, my family abandoned me when I was five when they found out about the stuttering.

 It was a wintry and cold and humid night, creating an enchanting combination; my breath, a vapor in the air as I rubbed my hands together to feel the warmth to avoid the constant shivering. The cold licked my face and crept underneath my cloth. We arrived to this very far away place from home. The house like premises was enormous and snow constantly kept falling creating a huge lump of snow on the roof. Surprised, I went inside and saw my parents standing there, talking to this young lady with long blonde hair and in one hand she held a suitcase which I found out later belonged to me. My dad was very composed and cool about this decision as he handed her the suitcase and left instantly. Same goes for my mom. She looked very relieved like a huge burden was just lifted off her shoulders and my elder brother Lucile never looked this happy in his entire life.  At first I was confused as I was the only left with the lady so I followed them however the young lady also known as Miss Amanda grabbed my shoulder and gave me a pitiful smile. Tears started swelling up because the car was leaving without me but just then I realized I no longer had a family or a home to go. No wait, home is basically where the family is so I was pretty much dead alive afterwards. No one talked to me because ‘I didn’t know how to talk’ or u could say I had accidentally pressed the ‘forever mute’ button. Although I won’t learn how to talk until people talk to me but nevertheless I survived the quiet place. Life just walked on its own to a place where I didn’t belong or could never belong, until one day, my 970^th day in the foster home, I was finally adopted by a beautiful and loving couple, and I became their family and finally found home however there was a problem again. I had an elder brother. Well I had one again. Wait, had or have. Confused right? Anyways, I was scared to have one again. I was terrified with the thought of having especially an elder brother, again because hitherto, my previous elder brother is the reason I am so petrified of having siblings. However, this was not the case this time. He was a gentle, compassionate, respectable and a handsome young man. He adored me like we shared the same mother since birth. He loved me like I was his own. He made me feel like I was never an orphan, never was abandoned and all the pain, misery and melancholy disappeared with a hint of touch like a minute whisper in the ear.

 He was someone I looked up to. He was someone I admired. He was my hero and my hero only. I gave up my hunger so he could satisfy his appetite. I gave up my passion for writing. We both always wanted to write something beautiful and beyond belief which would leave the audience in awe. So I gave away my manuscript for him to publish so he could accomplish what he deserved. I wanted to see him on top; someone who didn’t run after people but people will be bound to run after him.

 I wanted to see him sprout wings and fly off somewhere , despondently without me to somewhere he would belong, a place he would find people who connect with his intellectuality, people who loved him, would care for him, and cherish him more than I could because I was nothing else but too heavy and great of a burden on that virtuous and humble soul. However, instead consuming this once in a life time opportunity, he became someone I never ever thought he would become. It’s like he flipped four switches at once and then I finally saw the real him underneath the illuminations. And afore, all he was a shadow hidden in the darkness. He became a corrupt person. A ruthless anima under a dim ambiance, loathed by all, an unloved mortal under an obscure veil.  Nonetheless, that was one of his last days of being bad because a certain someone came in his life like a beacon of light, like an angel sent from god especially for him. She was his lover, his first love, a companion he could rely on, a person he could trust, someone he could share his glee and sorrows with, someone he knew he was ready to spend the rest of his life with. I never had a pleasant sleep then I had that night. I thought he was finally on the right track. Indefinable sense of contentment rose over me, overwhelmed with the thought of my brother being happy made me shed tears of bliss. He spent all his precious time with her, and in days, I became a forgotten figure, a stranger when we met and a stranger when you left. We weren’t friends nor enemies but some strangers with beautiful memories. I just kept on breathing every day because his happiness was the source of my happiness. He ‘loved’ me which was enough. I kept myself biased by the thought that he still cared for me but he didn’t. He forgot me after she came. On the other hand, that was not the only problem because the debauched people still trailed his shadows and wouldn’t jilt him so easily.

So one day, when I was returning from the library, night fell and the clouds kissed the sky smoothly; deflated balloons in the starry sky, a wondrous view I had captured in my mind. While I was busy admiring the heavens, footsteps were approaching me, sparing me no time run. The minute sounds lead to massive uproars and soon I was surrounded by men with black masks, moreover strangers supposed to be passing by on the street.

One of them was on his phone and the other one snatched it from him and brought it closer to his ear.

“Hey Evan, he spoke, “just a little fun fact, my gun is pointing straight into his innocent heart. Just so you know; one pull an...”

In split seconds, a bullet came thrusting into the left side of my chest, the moment when it touched my flesh, a sense of pain descended over me, not due to the bullet which caused a cascade of blood but the face of a person I treasured, sacrificed and adored from the bottom of my heart was the last thing my eyes looked into and then everything went blank.

He was my one and only family, my brother. 

What if the person you would take a bullet for is behind the trigger? What if the person who is the entire world to you is about to destroy you? What if the person whom you gave up your dreams just so they could fulfill theirs is about to demolish you? The heart aches Just thinking about doesn’t it? The feeling when your chest just suddenly starts to twinge at the same time as your heart does a kind of drumroll against your ribs. Just imagine the agony and misery you suffer as soon as the bullet lunges through your chest from the gun your brother held.

This is what I thought before I got shot. Now I lie in bed with some tubes and machines attached to my body and I think about all those things I wanted to say to my elder brother Evan. Yes, I am alive. I didn’t know but my brother knew all this long that my heart was on my right side (a special medical case) and not on the left but because ‘those’ people seemed to know about it and I don’t know how, my brother shot me himself, on the left side of my chest so that I would suffer but just for a little while. I didn’t die because of him. He is the reason I’m alive but trying to keep me alive sent his meager soul to a place it shouldn’t be. Those people wanted to take revenge on my brother for abandoning them. I was just an object they used to get his attention.

I’m sorry brother. I’m severely sorry for the despair I’ve caused, the misfortune I have put your parents through, the misery I have initiated on your parents of losing their only non-adopted child. If only I wouldn’t have been a burden, a weightage. If only I was still an orphan. If only I didn’t exist.

My thoughts are interjected by my dad as he enters into the room.

“Hey son. How are you? Your mother is worried sick. The nurse just let us in. feeling any better? I just came to pass this letter to you from your brother. He gave it to me before he left the night you know he wa…” my dad hesitantly said.

“Ye..ah da….d, I kn….ow. Ca..n we ta…lk aft..er a fe..w min..ute…s? I real…ly wa…nt som..e time al…one. Jus…t a few m…inut…es if yo..u wo…uldn’t mi…nd?”

“Sure son. I’ll see you in a while.”

I give him a gentle smile as the door closes.

I open the letter slowly and eagerly to know what my brother wrote for me, at the same time, feeling guilty for he had to write this.

It says:

 “Dear younger brother,

                                         By now you’re awake and I’m asleep. You are awake until you are destined to but I’m asleep for the rest of the eternity. That’s nothing to be blue about. I am finally in a place where I belong. You wanted me to sprout wings and fly off to a world without you where I could find people like me right? Well, brother I am here. People like me deserve a place like this. This way, I’ll be out of everyone’s life because all I’ll bring would be agony and discomfort to your life, mom and dads and Nina, my soul mate as well. She would suffer because of my wrong doings. So it’s better to be in pain yourself then put others through misery. You gave up everything for me and I’m so thankful. You lightened up my dark world with the day you entered the house through the red door. Your eyes and your smile lit up my world. Everything changed in a blink of an eye. I remember the day I actually heard you snoring because that was the day you finally fell asleep peacefully. It was the day Nina had arrived into my life. You always worried about me and never cared for yourself. That’s why I changed my path so you could continue writing but instead you gave me your manuscript by saying it was my idea and u heard me talking about it in my sleep. Hey! Come on. That was a stupid excuse. I was mad. I was angry. Thus I became the bad guy so you could become the good guy. Somehow, we both just gave up what we loved for each other and in the end, no one pursued their dreams. I just wanted to say how much I love you, and trust you and never doubted you. You are not a burden! You never were. You thinking like that makes me sad. I am so thankful that you were born and forlornly abandoned but I am very happy that they abandoned you so you could come into my life and I’m sorry to think that way but these are my true feelings and I’m finally letting them out and I’m sorry I couldn’t say all this when I was alive. I was too busy figuring my own stupid problems. You are a special someone, an irreplaceable being I will never ever abandon. I wish I was by your side but this is for the best. The manuscript is still in my room so grab this opportunity and go follow your dream. Never give up. Follow your passion. Write as if there is no tomorrow! I always knew that you were capable of doing amazing things and you did. Your plot was remarkable. I read it every night thinking about you. Every night, I came into your room to check up on you and I couldn’t fall asleep if I didn’t see your face, even for one night. I never forgot you. I just never let those feelings out and neither did you. I wish I knew how you feel. Never hesitate to tell people how you feel. You never know it might be your last time seeing them. Take care of mom and dad. I leave them in your care. I’ll see you buddy. We were strangers when we met and remained strangers when I left but somehow strangers with beautiful memories. I love you baby brother and always will.

You’re Elder brother, Evan.”

Tears roll down my cheeks. No words. Just memories. You knew me so well. You knew I loved you, you knew everything about me and how I thought you never loved me. I wish I never judged you like that. I wish I knew you well enough… I wish…